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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26688289">regretful</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bang Chan is Bad at Feelings, How Do I Tag, Lowercase, Mentioned Han Jisung | Han, Nonbinary Character, Other, Post-Break Up, Regret, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:34:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26688289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>bang chan has an internal conflict and felix can’t handle it</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>regretful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>really messy vent fic based on personal regrets. lapslock on purpose. i apologize in advance, it's worded oddly and it's basically a glorified rant.</p>
<p>probably has a couple curse words in it! also not a happy story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"cb97" started a conversation</p>
<p>cb97: hey baby, how are you?</p>
<p>lil lix: why are you texting me? i'm right here... </p>
<p>cb97: just.. answer the question lixie.</p>
<p>lil lix: i'm okay channie, are you?</p>
<p>cb97: do you want to go somew|<br/>
can i tell you something|<br/>
can|</p>
<p>no, i'm not.<br/>
seen</p>
<p>cb97: lix?</p>
<p>lil lix is typing...</p>
<p>lil lix has left the conversation.</p>
<p>chan stared at the phone screen, back barely touching felix's. what had gone wrong? why couldn't they confide in each other like before? so many thoughts happening inside one poor mind. felix's shallow breaths were a telltale sign that he was trying not to sob. chan couldn't manage to cry; eyes feeling like they had been dried up. everything had been going so well for the short amount of time it had been since the start of their relationship. they were unofficial for so long, since chan was terrified of the relationship being found out. felix understood why it had to be a secret for so long, but it hurt him. he never said it, but chan could tell.<br/>
it was chan's fault. work was so stressful and chan had started to push felix aside, an internal struggle with identity was unconsciously pushing felix farther and twisting the poor boy's heart. chan felt awful to be hurting the sweetest boy to ever exist, but didn't know how to start to talk about it.<br/>
the fighting started a month in. never physical, but always with poison on the tongue, words spoken that can never be taken back; words with power and anger and frustration behind them. chan could never understand why only a couple small tears managed to fall every time they fought, instead of full on streams like felix. maybe the stress and lack of sleep from work were finally making their mark on personal life. </p>
<p>"channie..?" felix was so cautious in calling the name, it hurt. chan gave no answer.</p>
<p>"channie, please talk to me?" </p>
<p>"please? i love you bubby."</p>
<p>that's what finally started the waterworks. could not even try to keep from crying; chan's entire body was shaking. it was so hard to say those three words. the three words that always seemed to echo, at night, the only time when felix would declare them. </p>
<p>"i love you." </p>
<p>felix smiled with sad eyes, rolling himself over to face chan, trying to get his partner to look at him. "i love you too, chris. you didn't have to say it, i know how hard that is for you. but thank you, for actually telling me." <br/>
chan sniffled, turning to hug the small boy. face against felix's chest, the older tried not to cry any more. "we aren't working, are we?" chan's voice sounded small, like a scared child. chan was meant to be the strong friend that everyone imagined. meant to be the friend that had their shit together, who everyone could go to because that person knows what they're doing. chan really had no idea what to do, or even how to sort out internal problems. especially with identity. </p>
<p>felix winced at the question. he took a second before answering, likely gathering his thoughts. "we will work. you just have to tell me what's going on in your head. you're always so stressed, and you never tell me why..." </p>
<p>"i don't feel like me, lix." a statement that chan could tell felix mostly understood. "i'm so sorry... that's the dumbest reason anyone could have to treat their boyfriend like shit."<br/>
felix opened his mouth to make an objection, but chan continued to speak before he could get a word out.<br/>
"i'm not who everyone thinks i am, and i don't think i'm even who i think i am. everyone holds me so high..." a pause.<br/>
then a sigh. "i try to help everyone and i can't even help myself. i'm scared you won't love me."<br/>
felix didn't like that statement, apparently. he had tensed up, his hand paused on chan's bicep. "channie, you're real. your struggling is real. i'll always love you, no matter what. even if you discover that maybe... you might not identify as male anymore." he held a cautious tone with his words, and chan froze when they were spoken. </p>
<p>"how did you find out? i-i haven't told hardly anyone-" then they realized. felix had their phone password. "twitter... i didn't log out, did i?" </p>
<p>felix looked so apologetic once chan finally lifted their face to look him in the eye. "no, no you didn't. i don't care about things like that, you know. you're my channie, you'll always be my channie, and no change in pronouns will make that untrue. i love you so much bub, please remember that. we will work as long as you don't hide from me anymore. you can't let things eat you up anymore. you're really bad about that."</p>
<p>chan couldn't help but laugh a little bit, using felix's shirt to wipe their eyes. "you can't tell anyo- got it, sorry." they laughed again, felix had rolled his eyes the second chan insinuated felix would tell their secret to anyone. </p>
<p>felix kissed his partner's forehead gently, and squished their cheek. "sleep now, you're really bad about that too." chan nodded and hummed in response, giving felix a goodnight kiss before drifting to sleep...</p>
<p>...and waking up again on the shower floor, the water hitting their face cold as the hot water had since run out. their phone was buzzing like mad on the counter, so they turned the water off and got out of the shower, drowsy and disappointed.</p>
<p>"hel-"</p>
<p>"why weren't you answering? i was worried sick!" </p>
<p>"i'm okay sung, just fell asleep in the shower." chan sighed, audible to jisung on the phone. </p>
<p>"we're coming back now, done with work. it was the same dream, wasn't it?" jisung's voice had shifted from worry to sadness in a quick few seconds. </p>
<p>"yeah, same dream. i miss him. i wish i told him." chan sat on the bathroom floor, towel around their waist. "maybe then we could have stayed together."</p>
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